When MVP Stands for Most Verklempt Parent

Recently, something happened to one of my kids. A decision being made by others wasn’t the choice my child wanted – or that I wanted – and it was hard. My child took it better than I did, which is typically how these things go in our house. I apparently have anger issues. And am Type A. And know best.

For a few days, I was head down, really down, thinking about this situation over and over again. My mind was full of negative thoughts and feelings, and when that is all you focus on, guess what happens? Your head goes down even more. Lower. And all of a sudden, you’re staring at your own navel oblivious to anything or anyone else in the world.

This scenario is not a first for me – big surprise. There are many times when clubs, teams, casts, crews, friends, dance groups – you name it – don’t go the way you or your children want them to. It’s a rite of passage and good practice for adulthood, where jobs and dates and trips and cute jeans all pass us by in preference of someone else.

And while I know these situations teach us important lessons, I can’t help but be mad about it. Every. Single. Time.

Why? I don’t know. I have educated guesses and a therapist could probably tell me why, but the reactions I have to rejection are unshakable. No matter what self talk I serve up, I can’t escape how I feel. Don’t get me wrong…I am not the crazy parent who gets ejected from events or that has articles written about them as the reason refs are leaving youth sports. I’m not that person. I sit quietly (mostly) on the sidelines and watch. I let coaches coach. I make my kids do their own talking if they have questions or feedback for how their experience is going. I don’t meddle.

But make no mistake – I am the parent who hires trainers, piano teachers, vocal coaches, acting teachers, and buys into every camp I can get my hands on. Part of this is because if my kids have dreams – which they do, I want to give them every chance to reach those dreams. But part of it also has to do with me, right?

I have high expectations of myself. I drive myself to be good – if not the best – in all I do. I don’t take criticism well. I don’t like “input”.  I am in a competitive dinner club (yes that’s a thing and it’s awesome) and I don’t like losing. If your goal is not to excel, then why are you here? I am not casual about anything, really.

Don’t I sound super fun?

So for me, I pour all of that into my kids, for better or worse. There is definitely some good to it. My kids are hard workers. They practice. They take pride in all they do. They are always willing to show up and contribute.

But, if I’m honest about this whole dynamic I’ve created, the biggest negative is that it’s all outcome based. And life should be process based. Every person is a work in progress. It’s our striving and trying and learning and falling down and getting lost that make us who we are. It’s not the shiny medal or first place  ribbon or lead role that greets us at the end. Because let’s face it – most kids don’t get first place or the lead role. And their trying and working and putting themselves out there matters just as much as the kid who does get the medal. It’s the process not the outcome.

I realized as I was navel staring that what my kids need is to have fun, no matter what. They should love doing what they love, excited to be participating and contributing any way they can. And I need to be teaching them that. Why am I not teaching them that? How many of us as well-meaning parents have sucked the joy out of our kids’ activities in the name of helping them”become better?”

Maybe I’m not teaching my kids this because I don’t believe it about my own life. I never think about having fun as the reason I’m doing anything. I was always valued for my contributions. I was smart, fast, and willing to step in and get the job done. If I describe myself, I immediately choose adjectives that are all about productivity, success, and accomplishment. I never say “I am kind.” “I am a good friend.” I know those things are true, but I somehow see their value as less.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received (and this was after struggling with one of my kids telling me they didn’t think they did well at something) was from my best friend. She said, “Deb, your job as their mother is to love them. Period.” Not fix them. Not remind them of mistakes. Not try to make them different or better. Just love them. And when I started the work of looking at every opportunity, every day, as a chance to just love them, I felt better. And my responses were better. I said to my child “I’m sure you did a great job because I know how hard you work and how much effort you put into everything.” What I would have said before was, “What do you mean? What happened?” What went wrong?” When love leads, our only necessary actions are to hold them, reassure them, help them feel safe and remind them they are whole.

I also need to practice this on myself. A little self love never hurt anyone.

One of my other kids has a try out coming up soon, and it’s going to go one of two ways. I am bracing myself for this, and for my child. And no matter the outcome, I am going to look at my child and say “it’s okay. I love you. You love this thing. And you are going to keep doing this thing because it brings you joy. And we’ll try again next year.” Because we are a person in process and my only job is to love them.