I Cried at Work Today

And it really wasn’t pretty. I was so embarrassed afterwards.

Here’s the deal.

I don’t know how to be angry well.

Especially in the office.

I can hold my own with workplace confrontation and difficult discussions. But someone within my immediate group has developed a pattern of throwing me under the bus in front of my boss, our CEO. It wasn’t just a singular event; it has become an actual pattern of behavior.

And I don’t really understand his end game on this. Plus, it was exceptionally hard to not take it personally because of how my team and I typically interact with him. I do everything within my skills and power to support what he needs.

So there I was – in another a meeting that quickly pivoted to him chastising me in front of my boss.

Without notice or cause.

I pushed back – hard.

And then I couldn’t stop the tears.

It was AWFUL.

Luckily it was only a 30-minute meeting, and I could escape to my office. I collected myself, and my boss reached out to tell me to not let his behavior bother me. That she saw it for what it was and would work on solving it.

But I still have some effort and self-care to do in this area. My professional ability is something that I have a deep amount of confidence in, and I think that any games or efforts to take away from that hit a nerve in a very real way. I also have a visceral and deep reaction to these grown men who act like bullies throughout life.

I also think that we don’t teach our children how to be angry in a positive way. On the same day that this meltdown in tears happened, this article was shared by NPR about how the Inuit teach their children to control their anger. I love this methodology and hope to emulate as I can. Because I lack a toolkit in knowing how to deal with anger at times.

With my own children, I rarely speak to them in anger, and when I do, I sit down with them within an hour or so and explain why I was so upset and how we can prevent something like that in the future. I am hedging my bets that this creates a healthy dynamic around anger that pays off for them in their life.

In my marriage, I have had to learn how to deal with disagreements and anger in a very different way than I ever had before. My first reaction was always centered around fight or flight, and Zack would just stare at me and talk me down from the ledge. Upside is that I have made huge progress in how to deal with some of those complicated emotions, and our relationship is stronger than ever. I communicate with Zack better than any other adult in my life, and I cherish that. I didn’t know until recent years as to how a healthy and progressive marital dynamic could and should evolve.

But the hard truth is that there are more moments than I would like in my life on a weekly basis that cause an angry reaction.

One email from my ex-husband, and I can go from zero to sixty in my ability to not react in anger. It is a physical reaction to confrontational words that are about the three individuals that are purely precious to me – our children. The best strategy that I have is to step away from the keyboard or phone and give it 24 hours before responding.

I have learned from self-improvement efforts that anger is one of the most negative ways to spend our energy.

But it has not been an innate skill for me to know how to deal with anger. Note to all – copious amounts of wine only make it worse….

As I try to figure out if this is all the result of being taught to “be nice” and “not make waves” or just how I am built, wish me luck in doing better.

Less reactive.

Stronger.

And not needing Kleenex after a board meeting.