Learning to Stay

This week has been one of those weeks I typically want to run away from. As much as I love my family and my life, there are days that just feel like they need to be capped off with a big glass of rose. (I will come back to this point). We are dealing with normal yet overwhelming stuff here – our oldest leaves for college in 10 days. Our middle is starting her hardest high school year (junior year) and trying to discern the best path for herself – musical theatre or something else. Our youngest has a slew of 6th grade homework due and like most families, we are waiting til the end of summer to start it, fighting to savor every moment of vacation we have left. This is combined with sports, activities, business travel, work and life.

See? Nothing critical. But all encompassing for us as we move from what we know to new waters that while still, seem deep.

And deep waters are scary. They are dark and unfamiliar. They makes us want to run.

How do you prepare to send your child to college? How I want to spend these last days is not how we are spending them. We are making lots of lists, buying lots of stuff (causing a lot of financial stress), paying large tuition bills and trying to schedule classes, all of which are closed. It’s the typical scheduling system – a process that is predicated on you trusting that while nothing you need is available right now, you will end up with a schedule in a few weeks that meets all the requirements and moves you toward your major and ultimately graduation. Belief in something totally outside your control. We are not good at this.

There are also my other two kids – dealing with normal start of school stuff that has taken an obvious back seat. They know this. They understand. They see that our family will be changing in a few short days and they appreciate the significance of that. But at the same time, they deserve the same attention as their sister. Everyone has places to be and new challenges ahead. But somehow, the start of school is eclipsed by the reality of college.

I wish I had book club or dinner club or a friend in need – any reason to pop a cork and drown mutual sorrows in chardonnay. Am I speaking your language? Probably…

Here’s where we go back to aforementioned glass of rose. Previously, these days would drive me to a bottle of wine, convinced that I needed something to relax. I deserve it. Parenting is hard. Life is hard. But I am starting to feel shifts in myself. Whether this is from age or experience or both, the reality I’ve learned is that running to wine is never really an escape. It’s an extra complication. It’s putting one more thing on the pile I have to deal with because it leads to lack of sleep, irritability, disengagement from those around me, and a slew of other side effects that last longer than any headache.

So instead of running, I’m learning to stand still. What does standing still mean to me? It doesn’t mean doing less or not moving. It actually means moving more fully toward my life. It means embracing the stresses around me and either solving the ones I have control over or letting them go if I can’t change them. It means finding more productive outlets for my worries, like getting together with close friends, exercising, writing or taking care of myself in real ways. It means giving my kids better modeling for how to deal with what life throws at them.

It’s interesting when you don’t allow yourself that mental escape how uncomfortable you can feel. Having to rest in what bothers you without something to gloss it over, create a subtle haze and convince you it’s not really there is hard work. But isn’t that the point of life? To do hard things? I think so. I think I am better when I do hard things.

Does this mean I’ve given up wine? Not yet. I’m turning down drinks, which I never, ever, ever did before. I’m assessing how it’s adding to my life. And the truth is that alcohol isn’t additive in any way that lasts. It’s like the ether. It’s there, then it’s gone, leaving you wondering what happened.

I don’t know where this leaves me and my relationship with drinking. I am tossing it around. I am trying to define it anew. And that is okay because it is work and work takes time.

What I do know is that today is hard. Not very hard; just average day of life hard. But I am here, feet firmly planted. And I am not leaving. Cheers to that.