Defining New Traditions

One aspect that no one can really prepare you for after divorce with children is how every holiday or special occasion will change.

In an ideal world, the kids can celebrate a special day or holiday with each parent in some way. And I admire families that can figure out how to do that, and hope that may be in our future. But the current reality leaves little hope for that to happen.

Holidays have always been sacred and celebrated within my family. Those were days of attending Mass together, having special meals, wearing new clothes, and gathering with any family close by. During my childhood, we lived quite a distance from our extended family, but my parents did a wonderful job in making any holiday special and meaningful for our close-knit family of five.

I have replicated what I was shown by them throughout my children’s lives. I love making those occasions as fun-filled as possible and creating the memories that they should have.

So all of that context together – mixed with my inability to participate in formal religion (more on that in other blogs) – makes holidays without my kids a tough day to navigate.

This has been my first year of not being with my kids on Christmas morning and then also on Easter. And when I feel pity for myself, my anxiety about those days and the overall feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming.

But here is what I have learned.

There is a new joy in creating new traditions.

And regardless of who is with me, I am surrounded by people who are consistent in their love, kindness and patience towards me. In particular, my husband. He doesn’t share the sacred view of holidays like I do, and that helps to balance the over-emphasis that I place on them. And then he happily goes along with whatever idea or plan that I have for the day, including creating new memories for either ourselves or with my stepdaughter or our extended families. Who knew that a simple day of an Easter egg hunt, followed by breakfast at Bob Evan’s and a stop at the park to watch Laney play with the open fun that only a 4 year old can share is all that I really needed today?

Regardless of what happens to us – the good, the bad and the downright ugly – we all have the opportunity to be open to new joys. Or changed experiences that feel different and scary at first but show us that being resilient and willing to participate with an open mind and heart can bring a new level of joy to our lives. And maybe you will surprise yourself and like your new traditions even more than the old.