Don’t Worry … Be Happy (Or Don’t)…

“I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers flow in the right direction, will the earth turn as it was taught, and if not, how shall I correct it? 

Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven, can I do better?  

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it, am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia?

Finally, I saw that the worrying had come to nothing. And gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning, and sang.” – Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver has always been one of my favorite poets. I go to her words when I want to see myself in someone else, connect to nature, or simply feel the peace her poetry provides. This poem about worry strikes a chord with me, now more than ever. I’ve been thinking a lot about worry lately. As a society we are collectively worrying now more than ever. And with good reason, I guess. We’re worried about Ukraine, Covid, gas prices, climate change, our children’s mental health, political polarization; the list goes on. There is a lot to worry about!

But honestly, worry doesn’t work. It accomplishes nothing. Right? We know that, but we don’t know that. We don’t feel it in our bones. Because when we worry, we falsely believe that we are exerting some level of control over a situation that makes us feel powerless.

I heard a statement recently that stopped me in my tracks – one of those statements that is like realizing you’ve been living in the Matrix, protected by a false reality. The statement was: “Worry is not the same as care”. Let me say that again. Worrying is not caring.

I grew up in a family where worrying was synonymous with caring. The more you loved the more you worried. It was a smothering kind of love/worry slurry, where leaving the house, taking a trip, trying something new, or just living your life always brought with it the feeling that something was surely going to go wrong. What if there is an accident? What if you get sick? What if you get hurt? These feelings punctuated most of my adolescent years.

Fast forward to now. I inherited the worry gene. I mean, if you love someone, you worry about them, right?

No.

I don’t know that I can empirically delineate worry from care because they do dance around the same notion that we love others and so they are always in our heads and hearts. But I think it’s like the classic court case definition of pornography – you know it when you see it. I know when I am caring versus worrying by how I feel it.

Care is love in action – it is something you can physically do to demonstrate your feelings. It is sitting with someone in their pain. It is holding them when they need a hug. It is feeding their hunger, drying their tears, fluffing their pillow, and holding their hand. Care feels productive; it is advancing somewhere. Worry is fretting about things not yet real, creating scenarios that may or may not happen, and losing the only power we have – the power of the present moment.

This is the biggest difference between worry and care – care centers us in the present because we are actively engaging with another. Caring says: I am here. I love you. Let me help. Worry robs us of the present moment because we are off in the future. Worry says: I am afraid. I don’t know. I am lost. I cannot do anything about this.

What I have realized for myself is that worry is the biggest form of self sabotage in my life. When I worry, I don’t only remove myself from the present, I also decide to avoid situations or people because I’ve created a reality in my mind designed completely by worry. How familiar does this sound? “That conversation is not going to go well. I am going to bomb that presentation. I am so afraid he’ll be mad at me.” The list of inner conversations can go on forever. And worry is a liar. When my mind is centered on worry statements, I have lost before I’ve even tried. Self sabotage.

We have to learn to let go of the notion that the more you love someone, the more you worry about them. Worry doesn’t guarantee happiness or safety or the outcomes that we want. Holding on tighter isn’t better.

I have come to believe that the truest things in life – love, faith, and caring, all have one thing in common. None of them are focused on outcomes. I love you regardless of the outcome. My faith persists even when things don’t go my way. I care no matter if the care is reciprocated on my terms. I am not suggesting to allow yourself to be treated poorly. We have agency over the behaviors we permit in our lives. I am just suggesting that love and care and faith are all about laying our truest selves at the feet of the world and saying with open arms, I am giving this to you. And then letting it go.

My most ardent prayer for myself and you is that we realize we can stop worrying! It is fruitless. It diminishes us. And with the world as it is today, Mother Earth needs the very best version of each of us. A version steeped in love, not fret; acceptance, not control; in care, not worry. Instead of promising (like the song) Don’t Worry, Be Happy, we should embrace. Don’t Worry, Be Present.

Be present in your love and your pain, what you can impact and what you cannot, in your steps forward and your steps back. I believe that if we stop worrying, joy will find us. And to quote my favorite Mary Oliver once again, “joy is not made to be a crumb.” May our joy feed us and starve our worries.