We Can Do Hard Things

Full disclosure: this post is going to be far from my best writing.

But after six weeks of so many thoughts running through my head and emotions being felt, I think I have some perspectives that are definitely flawed and at least mildly fearless to share.

The only way that I am getting through these days with grace is by turning off every aspect of me that is Type A. A planner, a list maker, and a fervent optimist for the future. Because that outlook doesn’t work right now. If I look at things day by day – and sometimes hour to hour – then I get through fairly well. But if I think about anything or anyone important further than that, the anxiety becomes real and scary and painful.

My guess is a lot of this is fueled by an underlying sense of grief. For the people I love who have been most impacted, and even lost family members to this awful virus. For the light and fire that is gone in my husband’s eyes as he carries around a sense of failure and fear over his business, and my worry that it won’t come back. For the special events, rites of passage and moments that were taken away from all of us. For the swift removal of being around one another and sharing a hug and a laugh and a meal.

And also for what life was like before all of this happened. It’s gone, and that sense of security on every level (physical, financial, and emotional) isn’t there any more. And I am not entirely sure it ever fully will be for any of us. That confidence that we carry about what our future – and what our kids’ futures – might look like has been eroded.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Grandma – Maureen Mullaney Sheehan. I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with her through the years, and most importantly as a young adult. She would talk about the painful experiences in her life in a direct way. The Depression and the impact on her family. Not having enough resources to go to college after only one year. And most deeply, that her beloved brother died on the Bataan Death March. Those experiences shape you fully and the pain never completely goes away.

But she would talk to me about all of those experiences without sparing much detail, then be quiet for a few minutes and set her mouth in a thin line as she thought about it. After a minute, she would stand up, make a funny comment, and go check on the BBQ beef brisket in the oven. She clearly figured out how to move through it and onward with what I know now is a hell of a lot of strength and grit. And none of it ever changed her full capacity to love, laugh and enjoy life.

So, I am channeling Maureen and everyone else who has been a good example to me. My kids deserve it right now, and I actually owe it to myself. We can do hard things. And we can do it without becoming bitter shells of who we used to be.

Here are some other things in fairly random order that I have learned over the last six weeks:

-Our children will follow our lead in how we handle things. I knew this, but it matters now more than ever.

-Before this all happened, I was pretty empty on tolerance for all of my kids’ activities and the demands on our schedules which led to a lack of time together as a family. I have to wonder if all of this is a universal message to get our crap together and set priorities better. I’ve never spent so much time with my kids, and it has been lovely. Don’t get me wrong – not every day is peachy. But we have done more as family in the last six weeks than we probably have in the last three years. We’ve had a fire pit for two years that we are finally using. Maybe lack of time was a really thin excuse or maybe we needed this massive life lesson to appreciate what we are to one another and how we can enjoy each other’s company.

-People are almost always fundamentally kind. I’ll always believe that, and I love to see how our community is working hard to help one another.

-I don’t actually control very much. At all. I can’t fix the economy. I can’t heal the sick. I can’t promise my kids that they will be back to normal schedules and school in August. I can’t process PPP loans faster. All I can do is wake up every day, do my job well, take care of my kids, support my loved ones and cook at least three square meals every day. I can do all of that, and let the rest go.

-I still set an alarm for 6:30 or 7 during the work week, which I know sounds insane. But I use that time to drink coffee alone, watch the news, usually cry a little over how scary it is, and then do either yoga or one of the awesome workouts my fantastic gym posts on our app now. By the time the rest of the household is up and about, I am centered and feeling as good as I can for the day ahead.

-Nice weather days make a huge difference. To all the weather gods – please let that happen more.

-My Sheehan cousins (yep, from that same Maureen above) are just awesome. All fifteen of us. We have a great group text going that keeps me laughing, and we have had two Zoom calls including one that was a trivia tournament. If that isn’t an example of getting through with humor and fun, then I don’t know what is. I think she’d be immensely proud of her legacy.

-Staying connected to our nearest and dearest is hugely important. Check on one another.

-My kids work surprisingly hard when we give them a task, including hours worth of weeding and laying 7 yards of mulch. I think they have a way better work ethic than I ever guessed.

-Women in households are doing a lot right now. Like, a lot a lot. Zack told me last week that I have become a really great cook. Which I questioned a bit, and let it slide. I have adapted a lot as to how I react to things and let minor stuff go. (Chances are good we will readdress that comment when things are better. 😉 )

-The teachable moments in the midst of all of this abound. Watch for them, hit pause when they happen, and really learn what you can.

I hope each and every one of you that read this are getting through as best you can. If you aren’t, then reach out to one of our FBF authors. Stay connected. We really are in this together, and I promise you all of the below.

We can do hard things.

We will get through.

And we will be able to laugh and enjoy life again.

PS – Here is a listing of every movie we have watched in case you are seeking recommendations. Also, watching “The Wonder Years” with my two oldest children during the evening. It really is a great show and they love learning about the history, too. LEGO Masters is also a great family series.