Flawed But Fearless: A Mom’s Point of View- by Anne Sheehan

I wanted to write this post as an open letter to every parent, hoping to help share from my experience. I am Erin’s mom, and read almost every post on this blog. I recently felt inspired to share my point of view about how each parent can choose to react when they hear tough news from their child.

Shortly after we moved to Centerville, Erin came to us and told us she was getting a divorce.  Having raised our three children in the Catholic Church, and not seeing any “signs” of discontent (more on that in a minute) you can imagine how this just shocked us.  Immediately, as parents, we wanted to “fix this” for Erin.

I have learned that is such a normal reaction by most parents who have this happen to a child.  We also immediately thought of the three wonderful children Erin has and how this will affect them.  Our hearts were breaking for all, and we had many sleepless and tearful nights. How can we fix this?  Why didn’t we see this coming?  What happened? Why didn’t Erin come to us sooner?

Telling friends and family was tough and shocking to all.  However, I will always remember the reaction of my then 90-year-old father-in-law.

Although he was surprised, his immediate response was “I believe in Erin and trust her decision.”

Wow, why didn’t I react that way?  What was wrong with me?  I learned a lot that day from someone who lived a long time and saw this sadness as something out of our control.  From that point on, I tried to put all my efforts into helping Erin and her children get through this as best I could.  I was not perfect with this, but I know I tried my best. Erin and I have cried and laughed and argued throughout this process.  We know now we had to do that to come to the place we are in today.

I did a lot of reading regarding divorce, parent’s reactions, helping your child, grandchildren issues, etc.

What I want to share with you is if you should ever have this sadness for one of your children, TRUST IN THEIR DECISION.

I wish that had been my immediate reaction, but it was not, and I will always regret that.  Erin is a beautiful daughter, mother, friend, wife and employee – she would do anything for anyone and is very loyal and giving.  I also learned that divorce affects the WHOLE family.  Her siblings and nieces and nephews all grieved for her and her children.  Yet, they were all supportive of her and her children.

I realized after many months of contemplation that Erin had shown some signs, but you disregard them.  She had lost a lot of weight to the point that she was too thin, and the ready smiles were not there.  Her personality changed a bit and responses to an ordinary question were abrupt to me, and then she would call me back and apologize for being abrupt with me.  Erin is an achiever, and she had never failed at anything in her life.  The realization that she would need to get a divorce must have hit her very hard.  We know now that was why she could not tell us until things were all worked out. We only wish we could have been there, as parents, to hold her, listen to what she was going through and learn from her.

Today, we enjoy all good things with Erin and her new life.  She has done an amazing job of re-inventing her life.  She has wonderful children who, with her guidance and love, have adjusted to this new way of life for them.  They have an honest and open relationship with their Mom and feel comfortable going to her for advice.  Zack is a loving and supportive husband and a great, as the kids say, bo- dad. (Bonus Dad) Erin has many supportive friends as well.  She has a fairly new job that is close to home so she can be a bit flexible for kid’s events.  In other words, Erin has turned a very negative time in her life into a positive for herself and her family.  BRAVO, my lovely daughter!

So, as parents, learn from me and if divorce (I pray it does not) should enter your children’s lives down the road, TRUST IN THEIR DECISION, AND JUST “BE THERE” FOR THEM.