Far from Fearless

I have a deep fear of driving over bridges that extend over bodies of water.

It started when my children were little. I traveled with them often solo, and was driving on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in a rainstorm. My parents lived in Delaware at the time in a lovely golf community about 10 miles from the beach, and we visited them often. I could feel the bridge swaying, and images of a fairly recent bridge collapse in Minnesota were running through my mind. (I know – not helpful) And my constant thought was what I would do if we went in the water, and how I would get Jack and Kate out of their car seats, etc.

Unfortunately, my fear has only gotten worse. I can drive over bridges on my own without a problem. If Zack is with me, then I need for him to drive. And since I am fond of road trips with my kids, I often am the only driver.

For better or for worse, they know I have this fear, and we cope by rolling our windows down since my logic is that if we went over, then at least we all could get out of the car.

I am sure this is doing more damage to my kids than I realize…

Fear is such a twisted thing. I have done some really hard things, and I have survived fairly well and with some iota of grace. I have no fear of a lot of things, and deal well with change. I am most confident in my roles as mother, wife, and business professional, and then the tentacles that flow from there.

But I am far from fearless in other ways, and I am coming to the conclusion that it is rooted in this happily precious life that I have been able to build over the last few years. I feel like I have earned this good and happy place in a way that I am just starting to fully appreciate. Nothing is perfect, but I like it that way. And my life relationships are better now than I could have ever hoped for. That leads to so much promise and hope for the future.

And that is where my fear of things outside of bridge collapses intersect with all of this good. Kate was sharing with me last night a group discussion that she had in English class yesterday, and the theme was fear and security. Kate said that her comment was that you can’t really face some of your real fears without feeling secure in life.

Spot on, my girl.

Most of my fears are carried deeply and quietly inside.

What if one of the kids tries heroin? What if they decide that being good at school no longer matters? Or they become socially isolated?

Kate’s bus arrives after I typically leave for work. What if she was kidnapped while waiting? Logic tells me that she is safely waiting in our own driveway by the garage, but this fear is still gnawing.

Will I have enough money for their college educations? Or to retire with time for new life adventures?

What if something happened to me? Or I became seriously ill? I am the hub of everything in our life and I need to get the kids through to adulthood. What would happen to them?

And besides the gut-wrenching fear of a school shooting, where else do I need to be worried about the people I care about being? No place feels quite safe these days.

Am I fearless in the best ways possible?

Maybe.

But is it sometimes hard to keep these other fears at bay?

Absolutely.

And maybe that is the point of this FBF journey for me.

To realize and appreciate what is good and secure, acknowledge the worries, and find ways to advance despite them.

And maybe find some coping strategies for that bridge thing….