How to Become a Step-Parent
Spoiler Alert – I don’t have all the answers on how to become a step-parent.
And I went to the library recently for some helpful reading to try to formulate some best practices, and the resources were more than lackluster – see photo. The only applicable book was lovingly entitled “Stepmonster”.
So I am left to share my own personal experiences, and focus mostly on Zack and how he has evolved as a Step-father (or Bonus dad/Bo-dad as my kiddos refer to him).
Here is the truth.
It is really, really freaking hard to figure out how to parent a child that already has a Mom and a Dad. And they are being raised by that alternate parent in a different household as well.
In Zack’s case, it has been more than challenging for several reasons.
When we first started dating, he saw his infant daughter only occasionally, and the only things that he had to keep alive besides himself were his fish and household plants. The crushing (albeit amazing) responsibility of parenthood was yet to evolve for him.
And then I had been raising my children for almost a decade with my own approach and style and reveled in my role as mother. To say that I was not open to constructive criticism from him about my parenting is an understatement.
Some of our more intense arguments during our first year as a blended family started with Zack casually mentioning something like “Connor eats too many Doritos”. Which, in hindsight, was in fact correct. But all I heard was a message from him that I was doing a shoddy job managing the nutrition of my children and I quickly became wildly defensive.
Like anything in life, though, time and patience has paved a path for us that has led to me witnessing beautiful moments in Zack’s role as a Bonus dad.
My first bit of advice is for each person within the marriage to be true to the love that they share, and even on the worst days, to let go of any anger or hurt, and be willing to start over again the next day, focused on doing what is best for each other and the family. Zack and I have both evolved into this healthy pattern, and it has just made us stronger as a couple.
My second piece of advice is to define the step parent that you want or should be and find your way. And that is where I have seen Zack shine in beautiful, blended family moments.
Recently, Jack almost set our entire house on fire.
Friends – it was bad. And scary.
It was a quiet Saturday night at our house. The younger two were asleep upstairs, and Zack, Kate and I were in the basement watching a movie. I could hear Jack upstairs, and after an hour or so he urgently called down for my help.
He had set oil and popcorn kernels on the stove to make a snack, set it on high heat, and then completely forgotten about it as he became engrossed in Netflix on his laptop. Our entire first floor was full of smoke, and we were probably 5 minutes from the kitchen being engrossed in flames.
The good news is that everyone was fine. And Zack – as an ex-firefighter – knew immediately how bad it quickly could have become. But instead of flying into a diatribe at Jack, he helped me air out the first floor, and then extracted himself upstairs before he said anything that he would regret.
Jack felt awful, I admonished him as best I could, and then we agreed to address more the next day.
And the best moment of Zack’s journey as Bonus dad occurred the next morning. He asked Jack, Kate and me to meet him in the living room.
And he said and did exactly the right things to help Jack and share his views. And did it so lovingly.
He told Jack and Kate that when he married me, he didn’t want to be another parent to them. That they already had a Mom and a Dad. That he was not going to remind them to clean their room or do their homework.
But that he saw himself as an additional person to love them through life.
And he would only get involved if:
1 – they put themselves or someone else in danger
2 – or they were disrespectful to me. Because they only get one Mom, and he happens to think that theirs is pretty special.
The rest of the conversation was full of kitchen safety tips and how to prevent fires. It was calm, loving, reassuring, and just right.
He did better than I would have.
Ultimately, I hope that these pieces of advice are helpful to anyone on the blended family rollercoaster. Because it can be awful. But, I couldn’t be more grateful for where we are within our home at this moment in time. And the bonus is the deeper love that I have for my husband and the role he has established with my wonderful children. Sometimes the rollercoasters of life lead to dimensions that we never even knew were possible.
Xoxo